Self Portraits
Recognizing the Enemy
By: Scar Aguilar
I officially came out as trans about 3 years ago, and since then, I've been struggling with both internal and external pressures from the handful of people in my life who refuse to accept me. I've come to realize that my feelings of confusion and indecision are largely fueled by a desire to please them and avoid being rejected as their friend, child, or sibling. Since childhood, I've never felt entirely masculine nor entirely feminine, and this ongoing struggle has significantly impacted my gender identity and dysphoria whenever I view my reflection. Even on my current journey, it often feels likeI'm being pulled apart and tied together, torn between conflicting aspects of myself. These selective images are meant to show what it feels like in my mind to feel at war with myself, the struggle and the appearance of both halves of me still existing outside of my mind and body.
Initially, I aimed to explore codependent relationships for these images. However, after facing numerous setbacks and cancellations, I found myself standing alone, prompting a deeper look into the relationship I have with myself .I still grapple with insecurities, particularly regarding my physical presentation as a trans person but, as I immersed my mind into the music of several queer artists during my photo shoots, I also discovered parallels between their experiences of gender exploration and my own journey. Inspired by their narratives, I wanted to reinterpret their words through my lens. Confronting my own inner struggles, I realized the significance of acknowledging and focusing on my true feelings, an inherently humbling experience.In these images, the red string symbolizes blood and veins, while its attachment to each photo represents my enduring connection to every aspect of myself.
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